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Posts Tagged ‘mood swings’

I Need Less Sleep These Days…

February 22, 2014 1 comment

I got up this morning at 4:30 because I was done sleeping, had a coffee, and worked on my household budget for a few hours. I guess I am done needing a lot of sleep for a while. To me, it’s like having a super power. I’ll enjoy it while it lasts because it never does last.

Some day (too soon) I’ll be back to needing eight or more hours of sleep, plus naps.

That’s one thing about being bipolar: no condition lasts for long except for the constant cycle between high and low. Even with effective meds I find some of the symptoms always creep through.

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Status Report #8 (And a Segue into Mood Swings)

March 24, 2012 4 comments

Sorry I haven’t been posting much to the blog, but it’s been hectic the past two weeks at work. I’ve even been bringing work home. I’ve already used up my three sick days for 2012, plus a fourth day (which was unpaid). The problem is I’ll have my OCD nightmares all night, then in the morning I won’t be thinking straight and I’ll call in sick just for a few more hours of sleep. Well, not any more. I can’t afford to lose any more days’ pay.

In other news, I had a bit of a down time in the past few weeks, but it was so mild I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t even sure if it was there. Mostly it has just manifested itself in a greater need for sleep, a decreased need for self-expression, and a decreased need for sex. In the past few days I have noticed less need for sleep, an increase in self-expression, and an increased need for sex. It’s a faster cycle than I am used to. I think I had a downtime at this same time last year, but coincidentally, I had my Modecate injection three weeks ago. I am due for another one on Monday. If I have another dip in my mood, next week I’m really going to wonder about a correlation with the Modecate.

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Status Report #7

March 12, 2012 3 comments

Well it’s been a week since my last Modecate injection and the side-effects have been nearly non-existent. I have joint pain in my right wrist where there was none before, and I have to watch my bladder capacity or else it will leak, and that’s about it. I had one weird blip which is more of a bipolar symptom than a side effect. I was working in my kitchen and suddenly everything I did was extremely important. It wasn’t cosmic godlike important, but it was still very important. Did I open the fridge or not? Did I hold a fork a certain way? Did I look left or right? Did I go into the dining room? Every choice was a grave one and every decision was a triumph. This is the kind of stuff the Modecate is supposed to stop.

At first I thought that the nurse must have messed up the injection, but I decided to wait and see what happened. There have been no more episodes; and no hallucinations; and no voices; so so far so good. I was having some minor hallucinations before the injection, too. One of them is very interesting. A phoneme is a component sound of a word. For example, “Hello” is composed of the phonemes H-eh-l-oh. Imagine hearing a stream of thousands of random phonemes, like a malfunctioning computer voice. That’s what I hear; or rather what I did hear last week. Just for a few minutes. That hallucination is actually kind of fun. There is a related hallucination when I will hear a room full of voices for hours. The voices are just a little too indistinct to understand. I’m quite hard of hearing, so to me it’s just like being at a real party.

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I am Depressed Again

January 22, 2012 1 comment

Please remember that a bipolar person’s mood shifts regardless of whether he is happy or sad, or what is going on in his life.

I am now officially depressed. I can tell because I slept for about twelve hours so far today. I slept a long time yesterday, too, but more on and off. I’ve been having an increasingly difficult time concentrating in the past few days, too. Mostly because of apathy. I am not sad, yet, but that will come.

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Descent Into Hell

January 17, 2012 Leave a comment

Between thirteen and fifteen (1981-1983) I had my first mood swings. My first depression was hardly noticeable, but during my first mania all hell broke loose. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I would tear myself apart unless I did something, but I didn’t know what to do. I was so sexually excited so that I would masturbate five times or more in a row. I started to view myself as unhuman. I was apart from the rest of the human race.
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University

January 17, 2012 Leave a comment

My mood swings continued through grade 13 (pre-university) (1986). My marks swung between As and Fs. I was hit with another depression, and my marks nose-dived precisely when I needed them to be as high as possible for university admission. Instead of Computer Engineering, I had to settle first for Physics, and then finally for English, Professional Writing. My maths and sciences had taken bigs hits by my illness, but my humanities had not. If I could not build or program computers, I would write documentation. I did eventually become a computer programmer indirectly by writing sample code for manuals and by writing custom software for the English Department.
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The Epiphany

January 17, 2012 Leave a comment

In 1993 I met my future husband and I cleaned up my act. He demanded it and he was worth it. However, even knowing that it would end my relationship, it was so hard not cheating that sometimes I only avoided it by shit luck. I eventually worked the werewolf out of my system, but the rages and the mood swings were still there. I still had hallucinations and strange ideas (like thinking god told me to find the secret code in all the license plates I saw while driving from Toronto to Montreal).

In the fall of 2001, I was reading about Schizophrenia in Wikipedia and it was so vague that I didn’t make any connection to myself. Then I read about Schizoaffective Disorder and it was unsettlingly familiar. So was Bipolar Disorder, and so was Schizoid Disorder. Obviously one of these applied to me. I settled on bipolar. I had one night of weeping and self-pity.

The next morning I thought to myself “thank god I’m not crazy; I just have bipolar!”.