Status Report #7

Well it’s been a week since my last Modecate injection and the side-effects have been nearly non-existent. I have joint pain in my right wrist where there was none before, and I have to watch my bladder capacity or else it will leak, and that’s about it. I had one weird blip which is more of a bipolar symptom than a side effect. I was working in my kitchen and suddenly everything I did was extremely important. It wasn’t cosmic godlike important, but it was still very important. Did I open the fridge or not? Did I hold a fork a certain way? Did I look left or right? Did I go into the dining room? Every choice was a grave one and every decision was a triumph. This is the kind of stuff the Modecate is supposed to stop.

At first I thought that the nurse must have messed up the injection, but I decided to wait and see what happened. There have been no more episodes; and no hallucinations; and no voices; so so far so good. I was having some minor hallucinations before the injection, too. One of them is very interesting. A phoneme is a component sound of a word. For example, “Hello” is composed of the phonemes H-eh-l-oh. Imagine hearing a stream of thousands of random phonemes, like a malfunctioning computer voice. That’s what I hear; or rather what I did hear last week. Just for a few minutes. That hallucination is actually kind of fun. There is a related hallucination when I will hear a room full of voices for hours. The voices are just a little too indistinct to understand. I’m quite hard of hearing, so to me it’s just like being at a real party.

I need to remember that I’m not on a full dose of Modecate yet, either. In fact, so far no anti-psychotic has been able to completely stop the psychotic symptoms. Furthermore, I’m not on Modecate because it’s the best–only because it’s cheap and lactose-free, which I suppose is the best for me.

I have a question: do other bipolar people have all these hallucinations or am I more on the schizo-affective end of things? I suppose that labels aren’t that important. I definitely have mood swings so I’m definitely bipolar, but sometimes I wonder about all this other stuff and whether it is typical or not.

  1. March 12, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    My understanding is that hallucinations can be a symptom associated with Bipolar (especially during manic phases). I don’t think I’ve had any myself. Though occasionally I see things out of the corner of my eye, or feel things….I’ve always attributed it to ghosts. MUCH more rational :S

    • March 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm

      Thanks for replying. When the anti-psychotics aren’t working, or when I’m really wired, I see lots of ghosts, too. My mother, who is also bipolar, thinks she actually does see ghosts. Ever since I was a kid I’ve just taken for granted that I see things that other people don’t see, but I’ve rarely thought of them as ghosts.

      I see silk scarves floating in the air, and disembodied hands fluttering around door frames. I’ll often see whole people appear, stick around for a few seconds, and then disappear. Sometimes they’re there in vibrant colour 3D, and sometimes they’re just shadows.

      Lately I’ve heard people calling my name, and my dogs barking.

      None of it has been scary since I was a kid. I just take it for granted. Some of it is actually kind of interesting and fun. Might as well make the best of it, anyway.


      • March 17, 2012 at 6:21 pm

        There were times you’d be burned at the stake, or, alternatively, revered as a shaman for such visions. I’m not trying to diminish anything, of course. I guess sometimes people can live with these things and sometimes not, depending on the visions, their severity, and the environment in which they occur. I suspect that both happens in the same human, sometimes. I can’t help but wonder if everyone around us considered “visions” a gift, rather than an illness, how that would affect our mental and emotional life, our recovery, our sense of selves. There are still cultures that go to great lengths to instigate hallucinations….maybe we should all pack up and move in with them 😉

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