Home > anti-psychotics, bipolar, blog, mania, meds, normal, side-effects, symptoms > Nothing Profound to Say…

Nothing Profound to Say…

One of the symptoms of being “up” that I have is the feeling that I have profound things to say that I must share with the world. Without meds (or if they’re not working), I might feel that I am a great religious figure or a philosopher. Even with working meds, I think I have that same feeling, but on a much lower scale. I still think I have superior insights and I rationalize it by thinking I have experience and reason to back them up. I think this attitude manifests itself differently than normal blogging in that I feel that everything I write has to be profound in some way. If I look at my past posts I wrote a majority of them (but not all) under the impression that I was sharing something special.

For example, a few weeks ago I started writing what could be considered the founding document of an atheist philosophical system. In the back of my mind I knew that I could get other people to buy into it. It’s not so bad: years ago I would have been a prophet, a Buddha, or even a second Jesus, with a new religion burning in my mind waiting to be written down and shared. The reality in all cases, it goes without saying, is that I am no better or worse than anyone else.

Of course, I knew about the extreme forms of this symptom, but I never noticed that I was still subject to the lesser form until recently. My doctor substantially increased my dose of Modecate (an anti-psychotic) on Monday and now suddenly I have so much less to say. My feeling of having a special insight and my need to share it are gone. It could be that the Modecate had turned off something good, but I think it has just made me normal. The fact that I am writing this post shows I am not totally uncommunicative, but my attitude as I am writing is different. This is simply a personal observation, not a special insight. It’s probably a healthier activity.

There is an online forum I visit, and usually I post dozens of posts per week on various topics (politics, religion, etc), again all under the impression that I am sharing some special insight. This week I have been almost silent there.

It will be interesting to see how this issue plays out. I’ll have to see what is the new normal. I don’t want to have unusually many opinions, but I don’t want to have unusually few either.

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  1. February 17, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Ah, the mixed blessing of mania. In may case, I adore my hypomanic episodes. Creative, confident, sharp, and insightful (or so it feels). Then the drugs kick in. There is some irony that so many average people struggle for a life less ordinary when many people with mental health issues strenuously pursue the “normal” that other are trying to escape.
    Or something like that.
    Thanks for the post,
    s

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