Sick Desires

Normally I try not to be judgmental about the symptoms of my illness, if for no other reason than other people have the same symptoms and I don’t want to be judgmental towards them. I am going to be apologetically judgmental here and you will see why.

The desire to hurt people has gotten worse and worse, but it’s only there some of the time. I know several things: 1) I would inescapably get caught (if not now, then later), and 2) I’m not like that all the time and that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ever did hurt anyone. I haven’t hurt anyone else since I was thirteen. Sometimes I want to hurt people, however. I have vivid fantasies of being a serial killer and it scares me. However, I even if I never had a conscience (which I usually do) I think I’m smart enough always to put my self-interests before my sick fantasies. I don’t want to end up dead or trapped like a rat in a cage. 95% of the time I would be sick with remorse at the thought of hurting someone.

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