Darkest Before the Dawn

I went to an after hours medical clinic (where they’re not equipped for anything serious) and I told the doctor I was hearing voices. This wasn’t true at the time, but I needed to cut through the bullshit and get a real psychiatrist. Ontario’s medical system may be free (actually it’s paid by our taxes) but you have to wait for a specialist. I had to wait even to find out when I’d get to see a specialist. A week later I got a call that I had an appointment for six months later.

In the mean time I started rapid-cycling. I would be hyper in the morning and dead in the afternoon. It was so hard not to just curl up on the sidewalk in the middle of downtown Toronto and go to sleep.

I Googled bipolar and I discovered that a lot of people take fish oil for the omega 3 fatty acids. So I started taking fish oil capsules. Then I worked out the dosage I needed to take and the amount of active ingredient in the pills and realized that I should be taking a whole bottle every day. I gave up on it.

In the mean time I was still manic most of the time. When you’re really manic you change your mind about what you want to do so often you end up doing nothing. You can’t think. Sometimes I would think a fragment of a thought, and I’d be stuck thinking it over and over for hours.

I was still in grave danger of ruining my marriage. And I was still harming myself. Now I was putting wires inside my body and running 12V through them. This is like zapping yourself with a car battery and it’s seriously bad. I knew eventually I would be using wall current (120V). That was my goal. I still have dead areas on my body where I guess I destroyed the nerves. The feeling in my penis did come back after a number of years.

My grandmother was a nurse in the 1930s and I inherited a “toolkit” with a syringe and a bunch of chemicals (like strychnine). I poked myself with the syringe without injecting anything, but those chemicals looked very interesting. I was in increasing danger.

When my emo 17 year old cousin came out, I covered my penis and testicles with safety pins and asked him if he wanted to see them. He was horrified, and he declined (thank god!). Don’t even ask where I was going with that. I think I would have indulged my absolute darkest instincts and totally self-destructed. He has problems that rival mine, but he was smarter than I was.

I was also getting psychic messages from a pack of wolves who were being held captive in northern Ontario and who needed me to go and let them out. I was suspicious because I thought they would attack me as soon as I opened their enclosure. It was a real dilemma for me, and I finally decided that I didn’t have to do something just because a pack of wolves told me to. Later I realized that there were no wolves and I was shocked as hell.

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