Home > bipolar, depression, doctors, exercise, meds > Things are not as bad as they seem…

Things are not as bad as they seem…

I think the last post was in many ways a mistake. It reflected how I felt at the time, and in that sense it is good always to be honest about things. What is the point to have a blog and not tell the truth? However, as a commenter pointed out, my brain was overwhelmed and I was not making good decisions.

I was probably 50% serious about suicide, so it was probably irresponsible to talk about it without being able to offer some kind of constructive analysis. Had it been an actual crisis, then yes I should have made that call for help in any possible form. Having said that, things could have escalated and gotten worse yesterday, as I expected them to. Instead things got better. I am luckier than I deserve to have a supportive employer. I still have to produce results to get paid, but at least they’re making allowances for my lack of progress.

Yesterday I went into Toronto to do some work for my second job (which unfortunately doesn’t pay anything at the moment[1]). I found that just getting out of the house and walking around made me feel better. I realized that both of my psychiatrists have recommended physical activity as a way of fighting depression and that I largely ignore this advice. Certainly in the last two weeks I’ve done nothing but sit at my computer trying (and failing) to work. Maybe if I actually followed my doctors’ advice I might do better.

I have also been considering another issue. Most people take their meds several times per day. Years ago I asked my doctor about taking my meds all at bedtime. He lets me do this because my lithium levels are still good, and because it ensures that I actually take my meds regularly. In seven years I think I’ve missed less than three doses. Before I started this practice I always had to carry a pill bottle with me, and I often forgot to take a dose (I am absolutely awful with routines). However, it means I feel great in the middle of the night, but that after 10pm or so (when I wrote the previous post) I start getting down. I wonder if I might do better if I spread my meds out over the course of the day.

[1] My husband has pointed out the irony of spending $20 in transit fares to work for a job that pays nothing. In their defense, when they have money they pay me $7000/month (which is my primary source of income). Currently, they have no customers, so no income. This is why it is so important that I get work done for the first job.

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