Home > bipolar, meds > Peoples’ Reactions to S*lf H*rm (triggers)…

Peoples’ Reactions to S*lf H*rm (triggers)…

I don’t know how spoilers work, except that when describing things that could trigger adverse reactions in readers one should use them. This post addresses issues of s*lf-h*rm (see? was I suppposed to spoil that or not?) and non-bp people’s reactions to hearing about it. If you’re not worried about multiple graphic triggers, click the “more” control.

This one is a bit awkward. I often have bloody stools and I have to get a colonoscopy. I also have a family history of cancer and other family members have had to have polyps removed during colonoscopies. When I told my mother about the colonoscopy and the blood, she was understandably woried. There are complications to the story, however.

Before I was diagnosed with bipolar I used to harm myself in fairly terrible ways that caused internal injuries. To assure my mother that I probably do not have cancer, I told her about this. Her reaction was as if I was a sane and normal person. Why did I do it? What was I trying to accomplish? What was the reason?

The truth is that there was no reason. I didn’t like it. I didn’t get anything out of doing it. I didn’t want to do it. In fact, I really wanted to not do it.

I once read an interview with someone with Tourette’s Syndrome. He said he was often asked couldn’t he just not say all those random words? He said that he often tried, and at first it was possible, but over time the urge to say something just grew and grew until finally he had no choice but to say something.

It was the same with me and self-harm. However, my mother didn’t understand. I told her that I had thought I was an awful person and that I felt something awful had to happen to me. That’s not really true, however, because there was no conscious thought process like that. The self-harm was just as natural at that moment as was breathing. This is true of many of the irrational things I have done.

Obviously actions have to be judged against an objective (or at least an external) reference, I’m not one of those people who believes that all points of view are valid. I would hate to be delusional and have people do anything other than tell me I’m delusional. However, when I am irrational or delusional neither can you necessarily demand an explanation and expect to get anything that makes any sense. My mother was demanding exactly that kind of explanation.

As sort of a side note, I have encountered people who say that psychiatric drugs are a scam (in fact that all of psychiatry is a scam). All I really know is that I spent from my late teens to my early thirties doing all kinds of unspeakable things to myself. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t wish this behaviour on my worst enemy. Then a doctor gave me mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics, and suddenly all that awful behaviour went away. I haven’t even had therapy or counselling. I am convinced that the medications control the behaviour.

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Categories: bipolar, meds
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